Health tip: Be like Jack Sh*t and get comfortable relating to veggies
My name is Jack, and I have a saying that I like to say: “Once you go Jack, you never go back.”
I don’t know what that means, but I think we can all agree that it sounds good and could conceivably mean something.
I blog (link: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ ), blog (link: http://jacksht.tumblr.com/ ) and tweet (link: http://twitter.com/#!/JackSht) like a maniac, most of the time offering nonsensical-sounding “health” tips. But here’s the thing: if you take the time to turn my advice inside-out, rightside-up or upside-down, sometimes you’ll find some actual wisdom hidden in there. It’s like a sudoku puzzle without all those frustrating numbers…
So here’s some advice for improving your craptastic life. If you think they’re stupid, blame Joyce for her terrible judgment in choosing guest bloggers; if you like them, well… there’s plenty more where these came from…
1. You can make your own “bottled watter” by filling a bottle with water (waitaminute… it can’t really be that simple, can it? Am I missing something?).
2. Some gyms will let you work out for free if your buddy creates a large enough diversion.
3. Floss, boss.
4. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so please eat it off a golden plate with diamond-encrusted cutlery.
5. Learn at least one recipe – other than s’mores – by heart.
6. Only eat junk food when you’re in a junkyard.
7. For mental and physical stimulation, join a combination Book Club/Fight Club.
8. If you hate your job, then I’d suggest that it’s time for you to get out there and find yourself a new job that you’ll eventually hate.
9. Two effective ways to handle retirement is to regularly put away savings earmarked to your “golden years” or make plans to die early.
10. Just got cut off in traffic? A good way to get rid of “road rage” is to scream until blood comes out of your nose.
11. Talk to strangers, the stranger the better.
12. Be optimistic, no matter how badly your life sucks.
13. Learn people’s names… and don’t tell me it’s impossible; I’ve got $20 that says you know the entire lyrics to the theme for “Green Acres”.
14. Alays check your spelling.
15. If you’re supposed to do something, don’t just skip it and hope it goes away.
17. If you can’t get organized, at least learn to make plausible-sounding excuses quickly.
18. Wake up early so that you’ll have extra time to fix all the things you screw up from being so sleepy and lethargic.
19. Keep your inbox empty (for me, that means throwing away all email and then claiming I’m having “server issues”).
20. Remember what chess teaches us: you have to be prepared to sacrifice some pawns in order to reach your goals (also, don’t refer to your friends as “pawns”, at least not to their faces)
21. Attend a Shakespeare play and at least pretend that you understand what’s going on.
22. Have all your dry cleaning put on the same hanger. Hey, we’re trying to save the Earth around here!
23. Don’t go to bed angry; stay up and watch infomercials (have you seen that one about the pretty bras?).
24. Make making a “to-don’t” list the first thing on your “to-do” list!
25. You can make yourself more productive by getting off the internet right this second and doing something productive!
Jack Sh*t is the chief idea mechanic behind the weight loss/healthy living site, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit (link: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ ). When not dispensing “health tips” and weight loss and/or dating advice, he’s busy in his workshop creating candy-corn sculptures of exotic animals which he sells at local flea markets, festivals and truck stops. A Google search of the term “Jack Sh*t: America’s Greatest Hero” produces zero results.
